not attracted to overweight boyfriend
SA: One thing you know, Scared, is that you tend to sabotage yourself. I knew after a week that I wanted to marry him and we have plans to get engaged soon. Let me know what you think in the comments! A lot of guys who put themselves out there become vulnerable. He’d put on some weight and his face looked different and I wasn’t feeling as attracted to him. I am not attracted to my boyfriend. Your spouse’s weight isn’t the only influencing factor in your attraction toward him or her. Think about how much of our consumer culture is predicated on the illusion that we can purchase our way to thinness, to eternal youth, to perfect abs and no wrinkles. People stuck in a relationship lacking physical attraction will most likely have little to … This column is an edited excerpt from the “Dear Sugars” podcast, an advice program hosted by Steve Almond and Cheryl Strayed. I hope you guys enjoy todays video! I’ve been with my boyfriend for more than two years. Your spouse doesn’t want to lose you early, especially not because of something that maybe could’ve been prevented. But it doesn’t leave much room for the doubt that naturally arises as a courtship lengthens and intensifies. I could be a bit more toned though. The audio contains an extended conversation and more letters; submissions are welcome at dearsugars@nytimes.com. Much like how women do not want to date a man shorter than them, men don't want to date women who weigh more than them." I’m not blameless in all of this. And she started to drink because she was unhappy. So much of it has to do with living in a society that sets up impossible standards of beauty, particularly for women but also for men. But by now the original reasons seem to have dissipated. You have a right to your preferences. nervousness, shyness, insecurity). His physical changes have gotten more pronounced. Put yourself in his position. 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If he is no longer physically attractive to you, and you feel yourself disgusted by his weight, then all you can do is tell him the truth, and let him know that you want to desire him, and you want to be attracted to him, but his weight is making him less and less desirable. It’s worth considering whether this anxiety is standing in for a more fundamental fear: that you won’t be able to love this guy over the long haul, that you’re too “terrible” — too judgmental, too superficial. If you’re reading this on desktop, click the play button below to listen. I get it, I had a child 15 months ago and I’m pregnant with my second. ... face looked different and I wasn’t feeling as attracted to him. It might be. I don’t think he’s a big fan of it because he’s said that he likes women with flat stomachs. The first thing you should do is ask your boyfriend (calmly) why he decided not to tell you about this. So i will not glorify overweight, for example, but neither will i allow someone to put me down on account of overweight. I feel no attraction to him what so ever, I feel disgusted even kissing him or touching him,its Been off and on for years. In a time marked by a global pandemic and racial upheaval, where can Black Americans turn for help? That's what gets me about the Marie Claire writer. Maybe your partner has gained weight since you first met, and you are no longer physically attracted to your spouse. It Isn’t Just A Fetish. Source: rawpixel.com. Maybe he told you: “I’m not attracted to you anymore because you are overweight, and I want a divorce.” I imagine that hurts like hell. Some couples who have been married for years will tell you that their physical attraction to each other has intensified over the years while others say that their attraction to each other has lessened anyway, even without weight gain. Its been months since he and I have had any intermancy. You and your boyfriend can go visit a therapist together. When we doubt a lover, it’s almost always an expression of self-doubt cast onto them. Is your boyfriend’s weight a deal killer for you? "I grew up fat… But, he told me that he was no longer sexually attracted to me because I had gained weight. I did some soul-searching and realized the relationship was important to me. After all my own, related shame around my body in romantic relationships hurt really badly, even though it was not a full marriage at stake. If you are not consistent with making changes you will not see the health results you desire. You might have married a man that you were not physically attracted to, to begin with, or you lost attraction over time. They're okay with banging a fat girl, but they don't want to hang out with her - … I actually thought about this with someone I may have been intellectually attracted to. Grey hair and wrinkles will bestow themselves on everyone, but when voluntary weight gain creeps in, do spouses have the right to demand change? She’s still pretty and isn’t obese or anything, but she used to have a mind-blowing body and now I’m not nearly as attracted to her. It's just a sad fact: Many men who are sexually attracted to fat women are ashamed of it. You worry that you “have issues,” Scared, but the point is, our entire culture has issues. This is something an overweight spouse should realize and something that the spouse should stress instead of focusing solely on outward appearance and sexual desire. But you’re going down a dangerous path when you hitch your wagon to an erotic ideal. This is one of the most obvious indicators that … It seems like a different story, however, when a spouse gains weight due to their own lack of effort in eating right and exercising. While the pandemic rages on, I've turned to baking to soothe my nerves. I know if my husband got fat I would still want to hang out with him because we have fun together but he is within his right to not be attracted to the extra weight. Sure, even the most perfect boyfriend is going to have flaws or things that bother you, but you shouldn’t get to the point of saying you’re not attracted to him. ... "You have to realize that your overweight husband [or boyfriend … Poor Sex Life. It seems like a questionable choice to commit to someone if I’m not sure of my attraction to him. Chances are you won’t find this stipulation in any many marriage vows, and frankly it might be because weight and physical attraction is an important factor in sustaining intimacy. But they have started accepting their body, and no longer want to tr Ask yourself if there is anything verbally or emotionally you’re doing to contribute to your spouses’ eating too much. So maybe finding fault with this guy’s weight is the best you can do to mess things up. Yes, there are reasons for it. First of all, he shouldn’t be avoiding hanging out with you. Perhaps you find yourself really attracted to people with dark hair or a tall, lithe … I now find myself questioning our relationship again. Physical attraction to your husband or wife is not the end all, be all. Facebook Twitter. Being sexually attracted to fat people doesn't preclude me from being able to appreciate attractiveness in people I'm not sexually attracted to. Consider Visiting a Therapist. And we wind up carrying them into our relationships. Ask Me Anything: Husband Not Attracted To Overweight Wife. You thought you weren’t attracted to him because he became a bit chubby, and then you found yourself attracted to him again. When I made that decision in my heart, my libido followed. You’re a deeper person than you realize. And now she’s unhappy because she’s fat. If you married someone thin and someone you were physically attracted to, then it’s not unfair to expect that your spouse will maintain their weight and health over the years. Now that you’re getting serious about a long-term commitment, your ambivalence is locating itself in anxiety about his weight gain. Like it or not, your weight affects your relationship with your boyfriend or your marriage with your husband. I’ve been with my boyfriend for more than two years. Physically attracted from the moment they locked eyes, emotional intimacy came later and grew over time. If you've gained some weight, and are noticing more skin when you bend over, or find that your clothes aren't fitting quite right, you might question whether or not your husband is still attracted to you. What’s Driving the Surge in Anti-Asian Crimes, and How Can We Help the Victims? On the one hand, sometimes tough love is the only thing that will motivate a person while on the other hand, constant criticism can drive your partner to eat more, even if he or she wants to lose the weight. Thick is not fat. Part of loving someone over time is loving those changes. Long-term relationships thrive when the people in them are open to repeatedly seeing their partners anew, physically and otherwise. When you’re overweight or obese, you’re at a higher risk for diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol, heart attack and stroke. At 31, I’ve been in a couple of long-term relationships before. It absolutely does — and you’re correct that it matters even more in a long-term relationship, Scared. And while you shouldn’t have to curb all of your bad eating and exercise habits if you don’t have a weight issue, it’s still helpful and motivating if you make an effort to lead by example. There are so many messages we receive in this culture that tell us that people who are overweight are undesirable, so it’s no surprise you would internalize that and feel conflicted when you see your boyfriend’s body changing. He's intelligent, accomplished, emotionally mature, kind, loving, and funny. An overweight spouse is not only compromising their health, but may also be compromising the physical attraction and intimacy in their marriage. But a good part of our desire for others starts with the self. Overeating can be an emotional reaction for many who turn to food to fulfill something that is missing or to cope with harsh criticism. Steve Almond: I don’t think you’re a terrible person, Scared to Choose Wrong. No one chooses to get fat. That’s no coincidence. My Boyfriend’s Gaining Weight. It’s now a chicken-and-egg situation – my wife got fat because she started to drink. The reason we are programmed to think we are not worthy of our partners because of our weight is that we have attached so many character flaws to our physical state. 30, 50, 100 lbs overweight? Hurting her feelings and … Now, when my husband and I met I was 160 lbs, and 5’4, and wearing a size 8-10. Question: My wife and I have been married for 14 years and we have 4 kids. While changes in appearance are inevitable due to the natural aging process, pregnancy and other health conditions, these kinds of changes are a little more acceptable to some because they are involuntary. confidence, masculinity) and turned off by the weakness (e.g. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/22/style/boyfriend-gaining-weight.html. You can then do an overhaul of your kitchen by getting rid of. Like, I have to put up with sex scenes with thin people that do absolutely nothing to me but I just am not bothered. The bottom line is that there’s nothing wrong with wanting your partner to look good to you, and while they don’t have to look like a million bucks every day, basic weight and appearance maintenance is not an unreasonable desire. Ask any 80-year-old who’s still sleeping with the person they married at 30. I love him to death and he feels the same about me. Perhaps it isn’t his weight gain that’s causing you to question your relationship, but rather your own notions about what the ideal man should look like. He has difficulty getting erections on a regular basis. So how do you find the happy medium? For example, do they need help with healthier cooking, or do they want an exercise buddy? That’s awesome. But it’s also important to recognize the importance of physical attraction and to take the necessary steps to make sure you’re doing your part to look your best and be the healthiest you can be - for both you and your spouse! However, I want to be sexually attracted as well and if I’m not, I can’t trick my mind into a different set of standards. This one is different. IDK. I am very attracted to her but she can go months without sex. ... Women are attracted to the strength in men (e.g. A lot of you will basically tell a man, “Hey, I’m just not attracted to you. That can be a tough mandate when you feel such overriding and unprecedented emotional connection. Mobile readers can find “Dear Sugars” on the Podcasts app (iPhone and iPad) or Radio Public (Android and tablet). Sign up for our Mental Wellness Newsletter! Being frustrated about your spouses’ weight gain isn’t just about how your partner looks. A practical tip for helping your girlfriend lose weight. The mental and emotional attraction and compatibility between two people can sometimes be enough to sustain a healthy and often passionate relationship. Why? Not all women will accept a fat man, but some women will. A lack of sexual attraction might be more psychological or physical. The person you love, your girlfriend/boyfriend, wife/husband, or partner has become body positive or fat positive. I’m just not feeling you, but I think you’re amazing and I would love to have you in my life.” And, that’s about it. If you want to help your girlfriend stop gaining … And you are not wrong for not being attracted to...someone you're not attracted to. You knew who the person you were marrying was and you should have accepted that a major change was probably not going to happen. We all change in appearance as we age, whether it’s weight gain, wrinkles, gray hair or something more significant. The biggest “secret” has to do with mindset more than anything else. But you have to realize that an overweight partner is only going to lose weight when he or she wants to, which sometimes leaves the spouse out of the equation. No you can't "make" yourself okay with it or be attracted. Their eyes, their voice, their smell and more can all add to the attraction, and if your partner won’t lose weight, then try focusing on the other physical traits you like about them. Not eating healthy and avoiding exercising shows that you’re not dedicated to taking good care of yourself. So has much of the country. No one can maintain it over the long haul, even if we achieve it for a short while. Sure you may be attracted to someone who is 10-20 lbs overweight, but where might you draw a line? I love her very much but I am not attracted to her the way I used to be. You felt an immediate and intuitive connection to this man, enough to talk marriage a week in. Erica Leibrandt (64,265) #28 Contributor – see top 100. But as Cheryl points out, the first time this happened you were able to step back and think deeply about what this man meant to you, and suddenly the cloud of doubt in your head — can I love a guy who’s likely to gain more weight? If you married someone who was already overweight or had issues with overeating or who was physically inactive or lazy, then it’s unreasonable for you to become angry or hurtful at your spouse. When we got married I was 185 lbs, and after I delivered our daughter I weighed 225 lbs. © 1996-2021 Everyday Health, Inc. Because being madly in love with someone for more than two years and then backing away because he’s put on a few pounds sure sounds like I’m either a terrible person, or I have some issues. Dear E. Jean: I adore my boyfriend of six years. People don’t want to be told what to do, especially about what is almost certainly a sensitive subject. I’ve been told by friends that I have a tendency to sabotage myself, that deep down, I don’t feel like I deserve happiness and subconsciously make choices to ensure I don’t get it. Could this be self-sabotage? The onus is on us to identify what we want in our intimate relationships. — evaporated. Only you can answer the question of whether or not your reservations about this relationship are self-sabotage or a sign that it isn’t meant to last, but as you grapple with it, I encourage you to deeply examine the difference between the ideas about body weight you’ve received from the culture and your experience of loving — and sometimes desiring — your boyfriend. Mental Health Resources for Black Americans. I wish it were that easy! There is no health without mental health, says Dr. Harris, Everyday Health's new medical editor in chief. The weight gain that proceeds may turn off the spouse even more, contributing to the vicious cycle of withholding affection and support. There isn't anything wrong that you are not sexually attracted to him. Everyday Health is among the federally registered trademarks of Everyday Health, Inc. and may not be used by third parties without explicit permission. How to Cope When He’s Not Attracted to You Because of Your Weight. Perhaps he was scared you would be angry with him. I know I’m not fat by any means. Here, you will … If it’s early in the relationship (less than a year) and you’re already saying this, it might be time to move on. The interview of the year revealed mental issues that affect far more people than just members of the royal family. Calling the police helps, trauma attracts trauma, and other truisms about domestic violence that don't hold up against the facts. Our doubts are what underwrite that industry, so companies do everything they can to stoke those doubts. There is a fine line between helping and hurting someone who is overweight. I Feel Shallow for Caring. That’s pretty extreme. What I mean by that is I have a bit of a belly. But: He's fat. Realizing you're no longer attracted to your partner isn't the end of the world. Cheryl Strayed: What’s really interesting to me about your situation, Scared, is that your desire for your partner returned once you realized how much he meant to you, not after he lost weight. 1) Changes in Weight. Psychologist Dr. Andrew Solomon and school counselor Amanda Jo Bustamante reflect on the true mental health toll of COVID-19 on children. Your marriage vows tell you, “for rich or for poor” and “through sickness and health,” but where is the part about “through fat and skinny”? My husband also makes it no secret that he’s not attracted to larger women. To get back in the equation, you should first ask your partner what they believe their needs to be. The Atlanta shootings highlighted the rise in hate crimes against Asian Americans. Carrying around too much weight could also mean that you’re unable to do physical activities you and your partner maybe once enjoyed. 7 Surprising Things That Affect Weight When You Have Type 2 Diabetes. To help motivate weight loss in your partner, you have to draw the line between encouragement and being the food police. (We both have pretty busy schedules with work.) CS: That’s not to say physical attraction doesn’t matter. follow 259 Followers. I’ve struggled with depression my whole life, so if my brain was playing tricks on me, it wouldn’t be out of the blue. I know how shallow that sounds, but I’ve always been told that physical attraction is important in a marriage, and I thought: If I’m not feeling attracted to him at 34, how am I going to feel when he’s 54? An overweight spouse is not only compromising their health, but may also be compromising the physical attraction and intimacy in their marriage.